Traditional Vietnamese Weddings :)

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So you’re engaged and planning for your wedding. What’s next besides freaking out? 🙂 Deep breaths and long sessions at the gym to detox all those worries out goes a long ways to help you and your significant other during this probably stressful time. How you handle and prepare for your wedding during this time will be a great exercise for you and your SO as well as a great opportunity for the two families to pan out a good foundation for communication and relations. Think things through and make your lists, talk to your SO, and communicate your feelings instead of bottling them. This is a great time for you to focus on the two of you and your future. A great opportunity for many other family fundamentals to be laid out — communication, organization, and prioritization.

Here are some general reminders that really helped me have not only a wonderful wedding, but enjoy my wedding planning process! (Yes, it is possible!!)

1. Spell it out before things are misunderstood! During this time, family differences whether subtle or really diverse will emerge naturally. Don’t freak out, take the time to understand that this not only a sensitive time for the two of you, but for the two families. As a central Vietnamese family, we held stronger regards to traditions in regards to the tea ceremony and how things were to pan out. I’m also the first to get married, and AP was the last to get married in his family being the youngest. These things can make communication and understanding between two families really difficult. Things won’t be said, but expected. We are all accustomed to our norms and project our norms onto others, so this is natural remember this. That is why as the daughter and son of the families who are about to unite, you need to work as a liaison between both families to get both families on the same page. It’s also important to make sure that everything is written and laid out and no assumptions are made between the two families. Family conflict may arise, but as the children of the families, we hold the power to unite or segregate.
2. A marriage is about the union between two people. Because we weren’t born or raised in the same circumstances, our priorities will always be a little different regardless of how similar you think the two of you are. You and your SO should make a list of things that are incredibly important to you (must have), things that are more negotiable, and things that you don’t really mind. For example, I knew that pleasing my family for the tea ceremony and having the tea ceremony written down and rehearsed before hand would be incredibly important to my parents. In addition to this, I knew that I needed to have AP ask my parents formally the Vietnamese way for my hand in marriage. Another thing I absolutely was determined to have (and dreamed of my whole childhood) was to include my best childhood friends. I love these guys, and I knew I wanted them in my wedding (because my parents and hubby knew this, we worked a way out where they were part of my wedding procession and reception introductions) These little things I knew I couldn’t negotiate. But flowers, decorations, music, etc were all things I could negotiate that came secondary. For AP, taking pictures at a certain time or seating arrangements for reception was a must do. Having a list of these things out in the open makes things much easier to plan out and gives you a chance to explain your and your family’s reasoning.
3. Pray with each other. No doubt, there will be arguments, misunderstandings, and stress related freak out sessions with each other. But having the ability to see that it’s attributed to feelings and stress is a very important skill to have that will help you a long way in your marriage. Use this time to practice and develop those skills of saying hey, I’m feeling stressed and need some time to unwind, or more importantly, I’m sorry. Express your vulnerabilities and work through each obstacle together so that you come out of this planning process and into your marriage without any sore feelings. Also remember that words are like nails to a board, even when you apologize and remove the nails, you’re still left with a hole. Any attacks or anything personal said about family is also off limits, this is a sore and personal spot that is already vulnerable during this time.
4. Understand what needs to be done first, what can be done later, and what can only be done the day of. This will really help manage your stress and give you an idea of what needs to be delegated. What needs to be done first needs to be executed in a prompt manner, what can be done later can be done later, and what can only be done the day of must be delegated cuz girl you aint gonna get nothing done that day yourself. Find your group of reliable and understanding sweet friends and use them!If you’re hunting for sales, know that its best done when you got ample time. Suit shopping can be overwhelming since tux rentals can easily be 2-300 dollars for a one day use. You can buy very nice designer suits at K&G or shop sales at Macy’s for their designer suits! We got a very nice CK suit priced at 350 for $60 at Macy’s. Using their coupons also gave a nice incentive to shop too. We bought this suit for the bridal gang and gave it to them as a gift for helping us on our special day. Now, although these suits aren’t the tailored 007 suits you see in the movie, you can easily take them to K&G or a tailor to custom fit the suit so that it does look like a 007 fancy suit! Getting the suit tailored wasn’t too expensive ~ 35-40 dollars for 2 days (expedited). But do better than me and go in advance so that you don’t have to pay the expedited rush fee.

   For wedding dresses, you need to purchase at least 9 months before. I tried at 6 and was charged a 2-300 rush fee..Anticipate needing to fix it before the wedding and calculate that potential cost too. I didn’t have to fix my dress, but you never can be too careful.

5. Budget. During this time figure out what it is that’s essential for you to have or what you want to have during your wedding and figure out what you can live without. We were set on having beautiful flowers for mass and whatever it was our parents wanted for the tea ceremony oh and liquor! Reception, decorations, dresses, suits, etc all came secondary. I was happy with whatever. It is once in a life time, but I didn’t want to set ourselves too far back with our finances since, I did want a head start for our financial stability. Again, figure this out with the two of you, then include your families in so they’re aware.Since you both are going to be anticipating lots of expenses during this time, make sure you look at credit cards with high cash back values. For instance, Chase Sapphire offered a card that would give you 6-700 dollars back if you spend 10000 during the first 3 months of opening the card. You can easily do this 🙂 Just saying… This cashback can be converted to airline miles which can help expense your honeymoon too!
6. Listen to your SO. haha, it should be a no-brainer right? haha ask him how he feels, what he likes, what he’s comfortable with etc. A lot of times we assume our SO is totally dude status and doesn’t care about what he wears, how the decoration looks, the ambiance or feel of the wedding, etc. But I mean, this is also a once in a lifetime day for him as well and for him to enjoy this day to the fullest you really want to include him in and make sure he’s completely happy and on the same page with you first. I was blessed that my hubby was very involved with the planning process and also handled everything I asked him too. Not only was he able to help create this beautiful day with me, I learned a lot about him and know that this wedding truly was a union between the two of us.
7. Take it and then leave it. Everyone is going to have an opinion on your wedding and your plans. EVERYONE. Sometimes these opinions are given sneakily, repetitively, or even aggressively! Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings but remember that you’re entitled to take it only to leave it as what it is– an opinion. Ultimately, this day falls on the union of 2 families. Know what to take and what to leave. Don’t listen to someone only to be bitter later and don’t try to please everyone, you won’t. Figure out what you can live with and what you can’t early on so you don’t get easily shaken down.
8. Take this one with a grain of salt. If you’re traditional and Vietnamese like me, realize that the wedding is not only yours, but your parents. You won’t probably know some of your guests that your parents invite, but they’re actually there for your parents anyways so that’s okay. It’s a Vietnamese cultural thing. I go to your kid’s wedding, you go to mine. People shake hands this way, and more importantly, this is how Vietnamese people pay for weddings! Everyone in the village gifts money to the wedding of their neighbor, and this all is used to pay for the wedding. When its time for your kids to get married, your neighbor’s family will return their debt to your family by attending yours. I think it’s a beautiful thing. We aint rich and rely on the community to collaboratively support each other during large costly events. This is also true for other events like funerals and housewarmings too. It’s just the way we’ve managed to work together to support each other. Like it or not, we’re still Vietnamese Americans and our parents are still born and raised in Vietnamese traditions so putting on a wedding and how it’s executed will still be seen as a reflection on them. With all the love and sacrifice they’ve given me and me now symbolically departing my family to establish my own, pleasing my parents during my wedding day was my #1 priority to show them how much I appreciate and love them for bringing me to this day.
9. Relax. This is one day out of your life and the things you can control and prepare, do. But those that you cannot control or prepare for, let go. Who knows how the course of day will unwind on the day of your wedding, that is something you cannot control. How you react and respond to it is something that is definitely within the realm of your control. Focus on your positive thoughts and focus on letting things go when they come. Micro managing, stressing out, or trying to control events will only take away from your day and take away from your SO. You spent a lot of time and money on this special day, so remember to make a decision to enjoy it no matter what happens because when it boils down, the only thing that matters is you and him 🙂

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This was definitely a difficult process for the both of us. A lot of assumptions being made on what our culture’s norm is but to be honest, every family is different. North, South, Central folks all have different little details, but even within a region things can be different.

As a Vietnamese American, this expectation of what our parents think we know vs. what we do know definitely does not align. Here are some tips I’ve gathered painfully through some experience:

1. ‘Demands’ are made from the daughter’s side. Since the daughter is being ‘given away’, the daughter’s side of the family has to ensure that the daughter is given away in a respectful way. This is why this can be difficult and things can get personal real quick if the daughter’s family feels like the son’s side isn’t making a big deal or following traditions (taking shortcuts). Typically, it’s also to celebrate the fact that the daughter is from a well respected family and has ‘kept’ herself for marriage. In Vietnam today, if you have children or a previous husband or kids out of wedlock, this ceremony is bypassed. Demands wouldn’t be made, and the husband’s side also can sometimes go through the backdoor of the house instead of the front when ‘receiving their bride’.  It may seem like a rough/tough/salty situation, but marriages are no little thing in our culture.
2. When you are ‘officially proposed to’ it’s important to make sure your parents and families know before anyone else. It’s a respect thing, and really, FB friends and likes should hold a lower priority than being respectful and considerate to your parents. Also, during this process, the groom’s side needs to arrange a meeting with the bride’s side to officially ask for marriage. During this meeting, it’s customary for the groom’s side to come with gifts. These gifts typically come in pairs (2 of each) and are wrapped in red cellophane paper. These gifts can include 2 wine bottles, 2 boxes of some fancy asian cookies, 2 boxes of asian pears, 2 boxes of tea, etc. If the engagement were to break, it would then be customary to return these gifts. After this engagement proposal session between the two families, both families now have to address each other as though the two have already wedded. This includes adopting calling your in laws by mom or dad.
3. During the time the groom comes over to officially propose, it’s appropriate to ask how many other times would be necessary for the two families to meet. In Vietnam my cousins still follow the tradition of meeting multiple times for multiple reasons (even though they’re ‘city’ people now), but since things are a little less constrained here, our families decided to only meet twice. Once to ask and solidify the wedding date/mass and another to map out the tentative schedule for the wedding day as well as the agenda for the tea ceremony. Again this is a respect thing for each family, but as much of a nuisance as you may see this, this allows the gates of communication to be open between two families and allows for an opportunity to the two families to socialize.
4. Figure out which side has more traditional expectations and come to an agreement/understanding of what is expected. During the time of thinking about your tea ceremony, both sides of the family needs to come up with a representative for their respected families. This person is usually well spoken, older, respectful, and can be a relative or close family friend. This person would be the representative for the time spent in the respected family’s house for the tea ceremony. My dad has done this on multiple occasions and agreed to do our side of the family whereas AP chose his God father. The two families need to clearly communicate expectations to their representative and then have the representatives communicate to each other to understand their role and expectations at both the groom and bride’s house during the who tea ceremony ordeal.
5. This wasn’t a problem for us, but it has been for some tea ceremonies I’ve attended– find a group of people who can join in during communal prayers and songs. It’s always awkward when only one person knows the songs/prayers and everything is being recorded.
6. Make sure you get everything ready and make someone liable! These include little things like make sure there’s a lighter by the altar, chairs ready to be put out for you to have your family members sit on while you offer them tea/liquor, printouts for prayers/songs, make sure all family members have their lucky money ready (have someone else do this of course), make sure your representative has the list of people who want to be a part of the gifting during the ceremony, make sure these people have the boutonniere on, etc.

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I’m just going to go straight into this! This list assumes you’ve picked your date and confirmed the time with your parish.

1. Prepare your books in advance if you want to go this route! This should be the first thing you should do to kick off everything mass planning wise. Figure out your songs, bible passages, whether or not your parents want to add a thank you note, personal touches, etc. You’ll need to give a copy to your priests before the wedding mass. In addition to this, print out your readings and prayers and put them in a binder to be read from. This is optional, but we decided that the wedding mass was our highest priority and wanted to ensure everything was as perfect as can be 🙂
2. Figure out if you need a unity candle set (holder and candles or just candles). This depends on your florist.
3. Apply for your marriage license at least 2 weeks before the wedding mass. You can’t do this too early since the license expires after so long. This is a simple process and you can just look up online marriage license locations and hours. We got ours at the same place you turn in passport renewals at the city hall building. Kent seems to have more open office hours than Seattle. Both bride and groom need to be present for this. You fill out the forms and they give you a package in which you need to give to the priest before your wedding.
4. Figure out a time near the wedding day to go to confession. You’re about to receive a new sacrament with your SO and want to make sure you focus on your wholesome preparation of mind, body, and soul. Try your best to not let what’s truly important slip away by the clouding or menial things like napkins or chair sashes.
5. This is also a good time to figure out if you want to take scenic photos before or after mass. If you do, make sure you figure out if you’re going to need a permit before shooting somewhere. Have a good idea of what type of group photos after mass you’d like too with the family, choir, guests, etc. Being efficient and on top of these photo ops are really key on making sure everything else is on schedule.
6. Arrange a family meeting with your church’s priest a week or so before the wedding if he hasn’t done so already. During this time both families will be interviewed about the bride and groom. You need 2 witnesses to I guess in a way ‘testify’ or get interviewed by for bride and groom. So in total bride + groom, and bride and groom’s parents. If only one parent can make it, find a close family friend that knows the two of you to be the other witness, but 2 witnesses per bride and groom. The bride and groom will also go through this interview process.
7. Arrange for a time to meet with the wedding mass coordinator to run through the wedding mass with you. During this time make sure those who are doing readings or prayers have already rehearsed and that you and your SO have memorized your lines (if you plan to do so). Everyone in the wedding family, 2 witnesses, plus mom and dad from both sides should be here. Bring a wedding book sample for the wedding coordinator. Bridal party can take note of when to fix your dress/hold your bouquet during mass during this time as well. If you’ve decided not to memorize your vows, tell the wedding coordinator and make sure someone communicates this to the priest so he knows to have you repeat after him for the vows.
8. Take deep breaths. This was my most favorite and most important part of my wedding day. Remember to take deep breaths and really feel the presence of God and the union between the two of you. Pray with each other to brace yourselves in His love in order to really prepare yourself for this beautiful moment. I usually get nervous reading in front of large crowds and extremely nervous trying to repeat something I’ve memorized (nervousness makes my mind go blank and it did during rehearsals..), but I can confidently say that because of the time I’ve spent in prayer prior to the wedding (including the minutes I had to myself waiting outside the church doors waiting for my dad to come out to bring me up to the altar), being firmly planted in God’s love and hands made me feel brave and confident.

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At this point, all the hard parts are done with! We had a blast at our reception and our parents (and GUESTS!) could not have been more pleased! The first thing I want to note is to double and triple check your RSVPs. We had our families call every person they invited if they didn’t hear back from them or receive an RSVP. At 650-750 per table, we didn’t want to get more tables than we needed, but we definitely didn’t want to have our guests improperly taken care of either. Verifying your numbers up until the date you have to confirm tables with your restaurant is very very very important. But don’t expect this to be enough, there will always be discrepancies, but at least you’re well prepared!

Here are some other things we did that helped us with having a pretty spectacular reception:

1. AC, goodness gracious. The past few receptions we went to, AC was an issue. The bridal party and guests would be wiping the bullets of sweat rolling down their foreheads and sides. It definitely dampened quite literally their receptions, and I honestly could not wait to just go home and be hosed down. Picking a venue with ample room and AC definitely helped us pull off a great reception!
2. Put the money where it matters. Food and alcohol! The two staples of a wedding reception that no Vietnamese person should neglect. Vietnamese people’s grading scale for weddings are based off these 2 things. To think about it in a different way, we’re treating our beloved close friends and family to a wonderful dinner and want to express not only our gratitude, but to celebrate with them! Not only will skimping out on food get you on people’s bad list, but more often than not, they’re coming with the expectation of good food and will usually gift you with that in mind. This is with the assumption that you’re going to be a having a traditional guest list where the majority ends up being older parental friends.. If you’re having a modern wedding with more of your friends and a younger crowd, this suggestion may be moot! Younger people who don’t have families yet generally don’t gift as generously and to be honest, you may not even break even on their meal. Remember that the average cost for food for a traditional wedding meal at a Chinese restaurant is anywhere from 650-750 per table of 10. This doesn’t include the cost of the bottle of cognac accompanying your centerpiece. The website we used for alcohol to evade taxes and the website that offered the nicest price per bottle was winechateau.com. If you call them personally to see if there are any special deals for large quantities they may even throw in a percentage off.
3. Find a group of people to help pre-reception prep. This means finding people to hold onto the alcohol for the reception if you have that option, putting out the alcohol in advance, placing your little treat bags out on the tables, devising a plan for seating people and getting everyone in on the know, making sure your photo stand/entry way decorations are set out, putting your special utensils + champagne bottle out on the cake table, etc. I’m sure you can think of more little items specific to your wedding day reception. I had an army of around 15-20 people and this didn’t include my flower power people working with my florist to put table centerpieces. People helping with this task should be here getting things ready right after mass or earlier.
4. Make a bridesmaid responsible with stocking your bridal room at the reception place with your touch up makeup, extra pair of clothes to leave the reception, your reception gown, extra shoes if needed, and water. This will be your changing room and safe haven during the wedding when you need to rest a bit. I also put my spare liquor bottles in here. This person should also have water, oil blotting paper, and lip gloss nearby and ready to go while you’re taking photos with guests. It’s hard to look 100% after a long day and for the 100+ pictures you gotta take with guests, but we can all try right?
5. Make a wedding party member be responsible with having a zipper bag available large enough to store wedding gifts/envelopes (we used my Victoria Secret zipped up duffel bag that was black and my sister’s purse). This bag should be handy with a marker so you can mark up whatever you need. We bought manila envelopes for each table and labeled it with its table number in large print so the table guests can collectively combine their gifts into that bag. It makes it easier to sort out who gave what later and puts those small little envelopes and checks into a nice seal-able envelope. Designate someone you trust to hold onto this money or devise a plan to discretely move the money to a secure location.
6. Small expense x lots of guests = lots of money. Maybe that extra 1.50 per ribbon on each chair isn’t worth it, maybe it is. But remember to think about everything on the scale of your guests. One little treat bag hand made with a little baggy of chocolates can easily add up to a few hundred dollars of extra expense. Figure out what’s worth it and what really isn’t that memorable or necessary.
7. Figure out the rules of your reception venue. Do you need an alcohol permit? Can you have your own bar? Can you have your own alcohol out per table? Is there a fee to use confetti and party poppers (we discovered a 500 dollar clean up fee at our place)? Will the wedding venue give the 2 bottles of soda per table? What comes free and discounted for decorations? What time do you need to end the party, what time does clean up have to finish etc. It’s best to have a clear understanding before you rack up some extra charges and fees. It’s also a respect thing for the restaurant workers themselves.
8. Understanding the general expected seating arrangement before you plan your seating arrangement. For Vietnamese weddings, you need to have a central, right smack dab in the middle and front ‘suoi’ table. This means in-laws. This table is symbolic for the union of the two families. Mama and pops from both sides sit at this table + other VIP family members which the family decides on (5 from each side). This table is a symbolic statement of acceptance from each family for the joyous celebration. Weddings without this table are often considered weddings that parents were perhaps disapproving of. This isn’t my rule or anything, but just a general understanding with Vietnamese traditions. Next to this table should be the VIP special guests table which include people like your priest friends. Unless you have 10 of these guests, your parents can arrange who else will sit with them. Immediate to these tables on the two sides will be family members/relatives/close family friends respective to each side of the family. I placed my friends in the back of the restaurant to give them more leeway to be more rowdy or whatnot. Seating arrangements state a lot in Vietnamese culture so make sure you talk to your parents to get a general consensus.
9. The reception entrance should have both sides of the family there to greet their respective guests. This is a respect thing and also to help the seating people figure out which side of the family a guest is on. APs mom is a bit older so we had his oldest sibling, his sister be the designated greeter.
10. If you have a bunch of potentially ‘rowdy’ younger group of friends who like to get turnt and you’re worried about your older ‘Holy’ guests, talk to your friends gently to remind them to keep it at 63%! I worried about this and so did my parents since we were inviting an older crowd and multiple priests and seminarians. We asked our friends to make sure nobody got too drunk or out of hand and told them that post wedding we were going to throw a BBQ with lots of our wedding Hennessey VSOP cognac bottles since we bought a surplus. It was something I wanted to do anyways knowing that my boys were gonna be working pretty hard that day and my dad had the same thoughts as I did too! It was a good way to say thank you, I love you, and yo don’t go ape sht crazy on my wedding day please! Often times its good to just remind people because sometimes weddings provide an opportunity to get crunk, and the focus is shifted away from what the celebration is about. Everyone remembers the crazy drunk person at the wedding and that’s what your wedding gets remembered as. I know because this is how a lot of us refer to past weddings.
11. If you have more than an hour from the time you invited your guests to the reception and the time your reception actually starts (pictures w/guests, late comers buffer, etc) make sure you get little plates and put snacks out per table. We did pub mix and pretzels. In addition to this, we coordinated with the venue in advance to give us a few dimsum carts so that we can fill them with ice and beers. To be clear, 10-12 cases of beer :). In this beer selection we made sure to include some Mike’s Hard Lemonade for the ladies (ok, more so for my mama..haha). In addition to this, we got plastic 1/2 shot glasses for each table off of amazon. Why 1/2? cuz we tryna make sure people don’t kill their bottle too quick and slow down the tipsy ya know? 10 people  per table x 10 shots don’t give you too much. 1/2 shots are the way to go. Again, assign someone beer duty because you need them to not only store the beer cases but to put them out and get the ice for them too. Oh, and besides like 5 bottles, all of our cases were taken care of by our guests…
12. EAT! A lot of people say, yo I don’t need to eat too much blah blah, but this aint just about you. This about the whole bridal party that is working their butts off running around helping you pull off the day. So as a respect and a reminder to take in the moment and enjoy it, make sure you set time out for you and your bridal party to eat. You paid all that money, you should enjoy your wedding too! Since we took scenic photos right after our tea ceremony and before mass, right after mass and photos at mass we rushed to the venue and had our meal. We planned this with our restaurant coordinator — have our food an hour before the reception started and to serve us in a back room (cuz everyone else gonna be running around helping you set up the reception). We ate everything besides the first 2 appetizer courses. We saved these to eat for ‘face’ during the reception with our guests. We all got to enjoy our food, breathe, and really take in time to just chill a bit before the crazy night began. Because the boys were gonna be drinking lots, this helped prepare them too :). Eating the food before the guests gave me confidence that my guests were gonna enjoy their food hehe.It’s also a good reminder to note that you also have to provide dinner for your photographer/videographer. If you ask the restaurant to provide lunch/rice plates for them which include veggies, fried rice, duck/quail..it’s 25-30 per order. Multiply this by the 3-4 guys you got helping you and it adds up. Remember that the meal you and your party are going to be enjoying is around 650-750 already. These little costs quickly add up. What we decided to do instead was when our food came out, we got to-go containers to create our own lunch plates for our media helpers. This helped ensure that we weren’t wasting food too so it all worked out– win win!
13. Restaurants will usually give you some overflow tables. This means if you reserve 35 tables, they’ll have 2 on reserve ready just in case you have too many guests show up (this happens all the time with Viet folks and RSVPs). Work with your restaurant coordinator and seat coordinator to consolidate tables before the reception starts and food rolls out. Both families agreed that mixing and matching guests during this time was okay. We made sure each table had no empty seats before filling up another table. If you reserved 35 but only used 34, you can box up that tables food and take it to go. If that restaurant has regular services, you can request to save the table you already paid for and use it at another time with 10 people. So that means we can take our family or friends out on a separate occasion to enjoy that same course on another day. Remember that each seat costs 65 or 75 dollars and the goal is always to at least try to break even or risk breaking your bank 🙂 The banquet is also intended for 10 portions so you’re also minimizing the potential for waste.
14. If you’re worried about inappropriate games or offending your family members or anything along those lines, work ahead with your friends and MC to make sure they are aware that you’re uncomfortable with anything too crazy and wanna keep things rated G. It’s your wedding, they’re your guests, and they’re there for you so don’t feel worry about offending them.
15. If you are like me and grew sentimentally attached to your bouquet and wanted to keep it for yourself, throw your bridesmaids bouquet 🙂 Aint no shame.
16. Assign someone to pick up the things that you brought to the wedding. This includes the decorations, the champagne glasses/bottle, clothes, makeup, ERRRTHANG. Trust me, when the night is done, you’ll be done too.
17. When you’re taking photos with your guests, if your wedding dress permits, go ahead and take those shoes off girl, aint nobody gonna know and you doing yourself a huge favor for the rest of the night!
18. Figure out your schedule on your convenience AND with consideration to your guests! Now there a lot of things to check off during the reception. Cutting the cake, first dance, bouquet toss, visiting tables, changing clothes etc. Figure out what works for your crowd. The essential things that usually don’t have too much flexibility for a Vietnamese Catholic wedding is when the wedding starts, MC introduces bridal party, family members, close relatives, distant guests, and Holy folks (priests, deacons, seminarians etc..nuns are often not allowed to attend these events..). Following this one of the sides of the family (my dad did this) comes up to say their thanks for the guests then following this the priest does his blessing. Only after this is food allowed to be rolled out. We had our 2 remaining appetizer dishes come out so we can eat for ‘face’ and then we decided to cut our cake and pop the champagne to commence the visiting of tables. 35 ish tables x at least 5 mins each is a lot of mins so we wanted to make sure we got them all. Cutting the cake early on also allows the restaurant folks to have control of the cake for the rest of night and cut the cake and pass it out when they felt appropriate. I changed into my reception gown right after the cake cutting.
19. When visiting tables, make sure you have a representative from each family join you. Again its a sign of mutual respect and acceptance of both families. If your mom or dad only visits guests of their guests but then sits out on when you visit your SO’s guests, people will also take it as indifference for the family. A lot of people say these things no longer matter to them, but again, you and your family knows you and your family best.
20. Write a check for the venue. Now some restaurants may not allow this, but thankfully ours did! At the end of the night, you and hubby are to meet with the restaurant coordinator to pay the cost. Whether or not you used your overflow table will be taken into account and you’ll have your final cost – the down payment you already put in. You CAN have someone count your money and pay them with the cash you receive but not only is this time consuming, people are tired, hard to really keep track of who gave what etc..it’s also very dangerous. So we chose to write a check and told them to give us at least 3 days before cashing it. The process of doing the accounting of the gifts is something both sides of the family should have someone help with. This is because your parents need to figure out how much their guests gave so that when it’s time for them to attend an event, they know how much to return. This is very important, time consuming, and is better off done during a time everyone’s rested. When you deposit this large amount at the bank, be sure to let them know you just had a wedding. Otherwise, you might get audited for depositing a large amount of cash/checks. Contrary to what Vietnamese people say, you should do this all at once since your checks will more likely than not all have ‘wedding gift’ written on it so it’s easy to prove that you are not laundering money or doing some shady business.
21. Roll with it. You planned and prepared all that you can. Accept the things you can’t control and again, make that active decision with your bridal party and SO that you are going to enjoy the night regardless. No stress, just smiles 🙂 And I mean genuine smiles, cuz girl we know when you aint genuinely smiling! Deep breaths and embrace all that love you get from everyone around you!

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